The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
