Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
