Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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