and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Come on in and take your pants off
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