Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
