nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
