Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
