i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
