that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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