She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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