Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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