Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
