I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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