tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
