So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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