after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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