he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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