I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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