the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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