so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
