Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
