Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
