Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You were trust falling into bushes
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
