my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
