last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
