My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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