dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize