how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
