Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
