Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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