ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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