He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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