He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
