my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
