This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
