I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
