Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
