alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
