I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Randomize
