I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
