you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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