phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
