I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
