Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
