Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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