in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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