Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
