I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
