he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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