I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
