I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
