I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
