I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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