I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
