I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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