I can tuck mytits in my pants
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
