My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
