I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
