I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
