My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
