Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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