I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
