I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Randomize
